Screwed.edu
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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