You can't special order awesome
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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