One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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