he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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