i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Randomize
