I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Randomize
