Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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