I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
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