i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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