she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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