Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Randomize
