I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You pole danced in your parka.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
