my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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