M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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