I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
