Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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