Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
