god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
