When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
