its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
