So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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