Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
