is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Randomize
