I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You are the jesus of drinking
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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