There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
