I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
