i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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