um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
