Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
