It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
