Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Randomize
