Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
