I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
