genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Randomize
