I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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