I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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