the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
