okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
