Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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