if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Randomize
