have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
