Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
