I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
