I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
