Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
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