He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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