Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
