just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
