running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
