I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
